Archive

Today, as some of you may be aware, is World Apology Amnesty Day; the one day every year where amends can be made for every kind of wrongdoing without fear of legal or emotional repercussions.

This new annual amnesty day is being likened to a 'State confessional', suggesting it is an attempt by governments to nationalise religious confessions and remove reliance on a human representative of an ambigious deity for forgiveness.

President of Zimbabwe, Robert 'Farmhand' Mugabe, kicked off proceedings with an apology for his part in a game of hide-and-seek that got wildly out of...

Swine flu is over. It was never swine flu at all! It was simply a little sniffle that got a little out of hand.

Did you hear? Wars are all finished. Humanitarian crises too! Darfur is laughing and Rwanda, Sri Lanka and Kashmir are all walking around the globe with a satisfied glow. They are probably smiling because they are finally free.

Israel and Palestine have become fast friends and the Arab and Jewish worlds have joined hands and made love in the name of peace.

Love that transcends all, no less!

The climate is back on track; here's looking forward to snowy...

The nation's new Poet Laureate will be announced this weekend. The main role of the official government Poet is to write poems about major State occasions and other government events.

Several well-known poets are in the running for the role in addition to two 'wild-card' members of the public, selected in a random fashion similar to the jury duty process.

The two wild-card individuals are, coincidentally, next-door neighbours Carol and Chester. Since receiving notification of their participation in the impending contest, they have been reduced to engaging in small-minded...

British children are being exploited. And by children, we mean students. Graduate students. Students who, thanks to the bankpocalypse, are being forced to take on internships for the kind of pay normally only seen in corporate sweatshops in Taiwan.

The recession has reduced companies profits, leading to a huge decrease in paid positions and a huge increase in unpaid 'internships'; or as they rightly called it in the Southern American states, slavery.

These British children are working in terrible conditions in inner city offices; inhaling deep breaths of smog, fog and transit...

Scientists have been making chimps watch instructional videos in order to learn human skills.

The video showed a trained chimp constructing a basic tool in order to reach an otherwise unobtainable grape.

A group of lesser-trained chimps were shown this video and copied the skill with remarkable ease.

What else these monkeys can learn from this method is still unknown, but it is thought that a variety of tasks could be taught in this way.

US General Lee-Reckless has already ordered several thousand of the primates with the intention of training them to become...

Gordon Brown, unelected Prime Minstrel and career opportunist, has managed to sing and dance his way into a web-based coup.

A petition on the Downing Street website has been bombarded with thousands of signatures calling for his resignation. The Labour government promises to respond to any petition garnering over 200 names.

A spokesbot for Downing Street, cornered and abused by Scunt reporters, tried to string an explanation together but was found to be largely incomprehensible as he had not yet been programmed with a suitable response to allegations of his glorious leader's...

The FA has today been slammed for using the Premiership as a front for an international prostitution ring.

It has emerged that live Premiership matches are nothing more than travelling peep-shows which tour the country twice weekly and offer reasonably priced titillation to the testosterone-filled, football-loving masses.

Underneath each Premiership stadium lie private chambers, where substitutes and reserve-players are forced to perform angry sex-acts for paying customers and long-time fans. An elaborate network of tunnels link these chambers to live galleries directly below...

The Economy continues to stagger around the blue-marble of a room that we call earth. Delirious, confused and drawing pitiful, contumelious glances from its equally non-tangible global-systemic house mates.

Religion is the most disapproving. Seemingly everywhere in the room at once and in two minds about everything; religion stands contemptuously, sipping his (possibly non-alcoholic) beverage and pondering the profoundities of life whilst judging the economy from behind small, angry eyes.

Natural Selection is there too, dressed to kill and killing to undress. He sits...

In 2007 something magical happened. The governing classes realised that if they abolished trial by jury, the electorate wouldn't object.

The jury has been part of English law since the 12th century, when it was decided that the Catholic Church's horrific method of determining guilt of a suspect was far too illogical to maintain any longer.

The decision to abandon this traditional aspect of law is justified as the only means of protecting jurors from criminal retaliation in unequivocally dangerous cases; so unequivocally dangerous that for anyone other than a legally-educated...

A woman named April has fooled a day.

The day (Wednesday) was left feeling thoroughly shamed by the fooling and has gone into hiding, not expected to emerge for exactly one week.

April has also gone into hiding, but thankfully a media circus has encircled April's home and hope to coax her out for an interview using overpriced Cotton Candy and two types of clown, Pierrot and Auguste, as incentives.

If the circus doesn't succeed then reporters will have no choice but to enter the dwelling by force.

Either way, April must learn that fooling a day doesn't pay.

One of the many Williams sisters has won Wimbledon.

There are roughly twelve Williams sisters, half of which are called Venus and half that are called Serena.

A seldom-discussed thirteenth sister known as Gubbins Williams was disowned by the family in 2006 after a dispute involving a monkey and a gun.

Venus is named after both a Roman Godess of love and a planetary body, whilst Serena is named after the metaphysical concept of serenity.

One of these many sisters has won Wimbledon, for this year at the very least, and the whole family have reason to be proud of...

North Korea has begun to wave its angry fist at the rest of the world.

The fist was raised to roughly head height at around midnight and it began to wave only minutes later.

The United League of Fist Wavers was angered by Korea's actions on the reasonable, if hypocritical, grounds that the world would be better with less fist wavers.

It communicated this message by waving its fist.

North Korea's friend China has also unsuccessfully asked it to lower its fist. Korea has curiously refused to comply and as Chinese state officials have helpfully informed us, "...

Condemned people. They'll do anything not to die, the desperate fools!

One last audacious bid for freedom has been attempted by Linda Carty, a British woman who is currently queuing to die on Death Row in the United States.

"It is everybody's worst nightmare to be executed for a crime they did not commit. I am living that nightmare." She told reporters.

The tabloids are quick to point out that Linda is a grandmother. "Death Row Nan" they scream with reverence and outrage. This is because spawning a putrid human lump once and then again by proxy is enough to...

Madonna is buying up babies and selling them for a profit on eBay. She has been accumulating babies, or 'stock' as she calls them, for some years now.

Her profit margins are small, but then again, so is she. To this end she requires very little water and almost no food, rendering her survival costs minimal.

She forces the children to put on bizarre vaudevillian performances whilst she sits, eating and regurgitating the same grape for hours on end.

Baby slavery is obviously illegal and it is hoped that she will be hunted down and caged before it is too late.

...

During an appearance today before the United Nations in New York, a team of international scientists stunned the assembly by announcing that the world has been destroyed in some sort of 'giant explosion'. The announcement came during a special ad hoc session of the UN Security Council, during which scientists from around the world expressed alarm over the incident, details of which were contained in a classified report.

According to a copy of the report obtained by Scunt, the world ended on Tuesday, September 25th at approximately 3:00 pm GMT, at which time our little ball was...

Top rugby playing professional rugby player Derek Munt has, it seems, lost his cool.

A shadow of his former disco dancing, decorum-drenched self, Munt has taken to attending parties alone and uninvited.

Once begrudging pity has allowed him access to the other guests he has been, it is said, offending groups of ladies with crude and often obscene hand gestures.

Derek would make an appeal for his cool back but, bless him, he doesn't think he needs it.

Good luck soldier.

Lord Viscount Sir Mimsy Rothermere, owner of self-perpetuating fury dispenser the Daily Mail, has been arrested for tax evasion.

He disappeared several months ago after the warrant for his arrest was issued but was finally discovered today hiding among the shrubbery near his caravan site in Sainte Croix, France.

Journalists at the Daily Mail, despite issuing uninterrupted reams of accusations against numerous public figures for their many alleged fiscal shortcomings and heady criticism of the cost of immigration to the British taxpayer, failed to notice the tithe-dodging...

Yet another victim has been claimed by the unknown monster savaging a small Yorkshire village.

Barry O'Barry, a local farmhand, disappeared late last night. Locals, having dubbed the monster 'the Beast of Yickety Ricket', were on hand to give Scunt the exclusive details about this latest scene in their sordid horror show.

"It comes in thar night, without warning,and takes what it ought not to take." said one.

"Last night, it carried off Barry, one o' the farmhands. We were all in the pub when we heard a wailing and a caterwauling like you couldn't imagine. We come...

Celebrity Standards Authority, Fame R Us, has released a new 'Top Ten' list detailing how to become famous in as short a time as possible.

Top of the list is 'Become A Suspected Paedophile', which "guarantees overnight mass media saturation," followed closely by 'Write A Book About Your Childhood Misery', with third place occupied by 'Engage In Sexual Hijinks With An Established Celebrity'.

Television show Big Brother, original celebrity birthing pool, has dropped from number one to number seven following its surprising advertising campaign showing past contestants snorting...

Your intrepid freelance Scunt Sports reporter Dr. Svensen has all the latest insider brain-juice from the American sports scene. Strap in and clue up.

In the tennis world, fresh from their enigmatic appearance at Wimbledon, the Williams Sisters have given up tennis rackets and tutus for helmets and football pads.

They have each signed long-term contracts with the New England Patriots of the NFL. Venus (6'1" 220 lbs) will play Middle Linebacker, while Serena (6'2" 280 lbs) will be a Defensive End. Coach Belichick has complained that, during the first practice, Venus damaged...