500 Days of Summer

I am not the best person to talk to about date movies.

As an older, cynical beast, I hate the candy floss romantic comedies which are so obvious and cheesy - I can handle Kevin Smith films which, argue as much as you like, are pretty much romantic comedies, but with better writing and sub plots.

As a young stud (fnah!) I started off clueless. First big date with a girl, we decided to go to the cinema. We get there with no thoughts about what to see and she didn't really mind what to watch so for some ungodly reason I picked The Specialist. Yes, the explosive action thriller starring Sylvester Stallone, Sharon Stone and James Woods. Fuck knows why, it's not a great film - I just blatantly bottled it. Not only that (yes, it DOES get worse) I finally pluck up the courage to put my arm around her about 67 seconds before the Stallone/Stone sex in the shower scene starts, which makes it look a lot like I knew what was happening and I had somehow been planning this move... The romance didn't last, needless to say...

Then, girl number two. We worked together and I was a bit more savvy - this time, it didn't matter what the film was, because it was going to be a make-out session with a film playing in the background. However, she picked Forrest Gump which might not be a bad choice for a date film, but the real problem started when we left work together to go to the cinema - not having time to eat anything - and when we got there, she announced that she was diabetic and needed some sugar or she would be in trouble. Luckily, we were at a cinema - full of sugar. I loaded her up with pick n mix and we went in. I gave her 20/25 minutes to settle in before the wooing began. It was roughly around this time that the sugar kicked in and she started getting hyper - giggling, rocking in the chair, asking loud questions "Why does he have a big lip?" "Who is that? Really? I thought the kid was Forrest Gump? Oh? When did he grow up?" until we got kicked out and had to wait for two hours for my sister's film to finish to get a ride home. She promptly fell asleep on me (literally) and that was that night.

Finally was the occasion I went to see Guest House Paradiso with a girl who can only be described as a 'dead cert', who ended up vomiting thanks to an incomplete blowjob and one of those bits of popcorn you always seem to choke on. Fortunately we managed to blame it on the extensive vomiting scene and got free tickets to another film...

After that, I chose the "I don't like romantic films, I'd rather make our own romantic story" (which, fuck me, actually WORKS!) line as well as suggesting that she goes and sees it with her friends because "I don't want to feel like I've taken you away from them." This a) gets me out of seeing crappy romance films without seeming like a uncaring douche b) makes me look good in her friends' eyes when they find out it was my idea and c) gives me a good two hours of guaranteed alone porn time.

Anyway, for all of you young, naive lovers out there, 500 Days of Summer is actually a pretty good film of the genre and if you're going to get dragged along to see something romantic, this one won't kill you. Oh, but if you are in a relationship where one of you may be having doubts - 500 Days of Summer may just end it all for you.

The relationship, I mean - not the doubts.

Thought I'd better mention that.