Avatar

Grampa always said, you can't polish a turd... but James Cameron proves that you sure can laminate it.

Cameron's last feature film was 12 years ago, well technically 13 - it's now 2010 of course. Happy New Year, did you have a good Christmas? Did you get everything you wanted? I didn't. I wanted an end to the fucking Russell Howard Review Travesty, but it keeps on rolling. Seriously, of all the varied reviews I've written, some have been outright deliberately offensive, and THIS is the one that people pick up on? COME ON, PEOPLE. Have some sense of focus here.

Anyway, Cameron's last big film was Titanic. You remember that right? The plot of 'Save the Last Dance' on a big boat that *SPOILER ALERT* sinks? Yeah, nice one - let's make a film where everyone knows what the ending will be. How very M. Night Shyamalanadingdong of you, James. Back then, everyone was going on about how great the special effects were too. The amount of money was incredulous in order to create a whole bunch of CGI extras which covered up a dull and hackneyed story. Sounds familiar?

Be honest, Avatar is basically 'Dances With Wolves' and 'Fern Gully' dressed up in the Emperor's new clothes.

Yes, I thought the effects were stunning and beautiful and the images were 'more real than real' (as some woman said as I left the cinema) but it's nothing you can't experience by watching a classic Ray Harryhausen film whilst munching on a decent batch of mushrooms (trust me on this. If you ignore everything else I say, trust me on this one thing, ok? Just stay clear of watching Speed Racer on any form of mind-altering substance - even alcohol. Dude..). The problem being is that now the major studios are going to be trying to outdo Cameron and instead of focussing on decent stories, they are going to be trying to develop new ways of making elves disappear.

I'd love to get into some politics, but I'll leave that for better people. I'll just say that the estimated $300 million it cost to make could be better used to help people in dire need. No, I'm not launching into one of those 'for just £3 a week' adverts they put on TV all day to scare little kids, the way I see it, Third World countries have two main problems: Over-population and starvation... the solution is in the problem, people.