New Moon

Even the Pope and his mates are against this one.

Not one to pipe up that often about movies is the Pope. Sure, you might not think he's much of a movie buff, but what do you think he's doing on those long flights between tarmac kissing engagements? Pricking holes in condoms?

First, there was the definite statement barring Ron Howard from filming Angels and Demons in Vatican City - not so much on the basis that he thought the book was blasphemous, just that he didn't want to suffer the embarrassment of being associated with another Dan Brown film. Now there is pubescent vampire sequel New Moon to contend with which has been branded by his Holy Popeness as 'deviant' and a 'moral vacuum'.

I'm guessing that he originally said "It Sucks", but was just a little lost in translation.

Social commentary time: When I reviewed Twilight, I mentioned how it encourages old men to stalk young girls, get them to drop out of school and lead an antisocial life. New Moon on it's UK day of release, encouraged thousands of schoolgirls and grown women (you know the sort, they have cats and bookshelves filled with rows of books with the words 'night', 'blood' and 'kiss' in the titles.) to skip school and work and go and see a story featuring strops, brooding and overly-important dialogue (because right here, right now - our lives matter etc etc).

What's worse are the parents who have knowingly signed their kids out of school for the day to see the fucking thing.

So the story, much as it is... Bella (Munch's 'The Scream' with hair) gets a paper cut at a party and bleeds, a 'new' vampire gets so overwhelmed by bloodlust that he nearly attacks her forcing Edward (fangs, brooding, wonky nipples) to push her away and that he is going far away from her to keep her safe.

Seriously? How did the other vampires react when she had her period? In fact, why is that never talked about in vampire stories? Buffy's gang were mainly women and we all know that when women spend too much time together, they start to share their cycles, so in a town full of vampires, Buffy and the Scooby gang must have smelled like the killing floor of a turkey farm two weeks before Christmas.

Anyway, overreaction time, as Edward runs off to kill himself and Bella, missing him so much, realises the only way she can see visions of him is to engage in near-death experiences. Yes. That's what I said, he runs off to Europe to kill himself in front of a secret society and she crashes bikes and jumps off cliffs. Theirs truly is a special love.

So then there's some bad guy and Bella gets protected by a pack of werewolves (her next-door neighbours apparently) who are a seemingly identical bunch of lads who like wearing shorts and turn into big fluffy dogs. No 'American Werewolf in London' style transformation here, because it's all magic and shit. Emphasis on the shit.

Anyway, the target audience will be happy, so will the weirdo paedophilic cinema staff who likes to sniff the seats after the audience have gone. I, on the other hand will be pitying the poor people who have to stand around wearing 'Team Edward/Jacob' t-shirts and hating their jobs.

And the Pope? He'll be watching his special edition Hudson Hawk DVD, of course.