Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Revenge is a dish best served hot... and sweaty... and in slo-mo... and with a helicopter flying overhead...

I was hyped to see the first film. It's something I had been waiting 25 years for and I'm pretty sure that most guys around my age and above were also as excited as me.

In fact, ever since that Citroen ad appeared on TV, we all knew there HAD to be a Transformers movie. So I go in to the cinema and get a good seat in the middle of the row behind the railing so I can stick my feet up - prime spot.

Sitting behind me are three chatty kids and a couple of parents. I'm fairly tolerant, thinking that these bratty little fucks will shut up in time for the movie - but they don't. I do the traditional British thing of turning around, staring at them, staring at the parents, sighing, shifting in my seat but nothing works. I am getting angry. Nails are being dug into my armrests, I'm not enjoying a film I got so childishly enthused about for months. I booked this day off work. So I snap. I stand up; I turn around and snarl at the kids. "Will you lot just shut the fuck up?!"

I'm seething, EVERYONE is looking at me. The kids are petrified; I think one pissed a little. The parents just sit there and do/say nothing. Nice work, parental units - a) you failed to teach your children polite cinema etiquette and b) you let a strange man chastise and verbally abuse your children and/or their friends.

Ok, so not the most fascinating of stories, but this is genuinely the first time I have done anything like that in a cinema - ruined the film for me, well... maybe I use that as an excuse because I didn't want to admit the film wasn't that great in the first place. It was too messy - the robot fight scenes and transformations were too fast and erratic, there was no attempt to inspire the joy kids got playing with the toys as they turn from car to robot and back again.

Fortunately in the sequel this has been addressed and more care to attention is there - the fights have been slowed down a little and are definitely more visceral than the first film. Likewise, the Megatron/Starscream dynamic has been given greater emphasis. At what cost? Well, there might be more Autobots in this film but it's pretty much dominated by Optimus, Bumblebee and the Twins.

There is also an 'old' Transformer (I can't go into this plot hole or any of the others right now) who, if I dwell on him too much, angers me in a way only comparable with the anger you feel stuck in traffic behind an old person driving a brand new car 15 miles under the speed limit.

The character itself isn't the problem, it's the annoying voice acting - now IMDB says it was John Turturro. I, on the other hand, am convinced that it was Lenny Henry. Some films will have different voiceovers for different countries (Shrek being a good example) so maybe Turturro did the US voice. I'll be investigating this further. Either way, terribly annoying.

Final verdict? It's not great. It's not terrible. It's not a waste of your time and money.

Megan Fox has mutated thumbs.