XMen Origins: Wolverine

This is supposed to be an action movie - but Ryan Reynolds doesn’t have a beard. I’m confused.

I thought it was a contractual obligation; No Beard = Comedy, Beard = Action.

What’s the story there then? Maybe he’s working on some kind of amazing career progression or just doesn’t want to be typecast in future films. He’s not doing too bad for himself when you think about it, is he? First off he was engaged to Alanis Morissette - don’t laugh, I think she’s quite attractive, plus you know she’ll go down on you in a theatre and where else can you get a guaranteed offer like that without going to a Soho peepshow?

However, they split up (which was probably a great move for her because she released some crap-ass sentimental songs while they were together) and now he’s married to Scarlett Johansson - and she’s Scarlett Johansson! I mean, her songs were just terrible, no doubt about that, but all you have to do to get over the horrendous screeching is to Google image ‘Scarlett Johansson and Dita Von Teese’ and you can forgive her anything. Seriously, she could run my mum down in her car, drag her 56 metres face down and then piss on her open wounds and I’d be all ‘hey, sorry about my mum dirtying up your bumper, Scarlett’ as soon as I saw her nibbling on Dita’s ear.

Speaking of Wolverine, do you remember Chris Benoit the ’Rabid Wolverine’? He was the wrestler who killed his wife and son before hanging himself in his home. A lot of people think it was all due to ’roid rage’ but if you read later articles, you’ll see that it was mainly due to dementia brought on by years of physical abuse to his noggin. Doctors said that his “brain was so severely damaged it resembled the brain of an 85-year-old Alzheimer's patient”. So the next time someone says that wrestling is all faked, make them aware of that fact whilst rhythmically jabbing them with a fork.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine, out now at cinemas and illegal torrent sites everywhere.