Government's Uninspiring Alcoholism Policy Drives All To Drink

The government has got a message for us. And that message is, 'Stop drinking so much.'

This message has arrived in the form of A New Law, most likely called the Alcohol Act 2010 or, as we at Scunt are lamenting furiously, Alcopopalypse.

Unfortunately, with the government also preoccupied by their campaign against a proposed name-change to Opposition, only one man was available to pen the new law. And his creation, unveiled this week, is so startlingly dull, so evidently plagarised from existing laws, and so similar to an embarrassingly half-hearted intervention that even Judges are drinking more than usual.

Why we all have to stop drinking excessively is puzzling. Why this message is important is unclear.

Multiple theories are flying around the proverbial yard; "for our own good"; "something to do with The Children"; "my eyes, my eyes, dear God my eyes".

None of which satisfactorily explains the current social trend in favour of furious condemnation of alcoholism and binge-drinking, while simultaneously and unapologetically pushing someone, somewhere, to drink.

People are inherently problematic; guarded, distrustful and animalistic in their tendencies. This is far less conducive to a cohesive society than alcohol.

Therefore, people must go. We are ruining the party. Not to mention the environment, the natural order of "things" and a peace and quiet not heard since the prehistoric days of goo.

Come on people of Britain and Not-Britain; there is only one way to end this culture of drinking and that is to eradicate the thirsts it quenches.

Shot-glasses and guns at dawn.