Submitted by Dani Nicci on 19 May 2009 - 8:02pm
A new kind of threat has been discovered by scientists that will soon be more widespread than swine flu and lead to panic buying of barbeque lighter fuel.
A "nuclear" heatwave will be sweeping over the UK within the next few months, reports the government's Department of Precipitation, claiming the sanity of some and the clothing of others.
Temperatures are predicted to reach about 200 degrees hotter than an average oven, while the radiation emitted from the burning sun will melt the plastic sleeves of ready meals in a way microwaves have never managed.
Amidst the panic, smokers and habitual drug users are celebrating the news with impromptu gatherings in pub-gardens and small fields around the country.
In response to the announcement, Domino's pizza chain is planning to take legal action against the Met Office over use of the phrase 'Heatwave'.
A number of panicked citizens are predicting the end of civilisation as we know it; some referring to the heatwave as "weathergeddon" and others as "Appollogeddon". Despite the similarities in philosophy, title and anticipated consequences, these groups are refusing to unite to promote their causes, preferring instead to ridicule each other in little-read online blogs.
Michael Fish warned against planning for a hot summer, but after his last weather-based fiasco no-one listens to him anymore. Rightly so.
