Kanye West

Imagine a world where Kanye West got what he wanted. It would be similar to the Nazi uprising. We'd all be speaking "rap" and hailing him as our almighty leader. After all, he is a self-proclaimed "genius" sent from heaven to spread the message of God through rap (no joke). The world would be a giant shrine to West. Perhaps our vocal chords will be kitted with auto-tune devices and we'd have to wear jailed-out glasses.

Fortunately, we are not living in a world dedicated to the "genius" of Kanye. If that was the case then this review wouldn't exist; this will become apparent in the next few paragraphs. The truth is Kanye is a spoilt, arse-talking, crop-circle haired, preening, smug, whiny, religious tosscock. I have friends- nice yet flawed friends of mine -who say that Kanye West is the best rapper in the business. This is obviously untrue; he can cobble together a few interesting tunes but as a rapper he sounds like 50 cent trapped down a well being strangled by the girl from The Ring.

I don't blame my friends of course, I blame Kanye. Nobody in their right mind would consider Kanye anything better than "listenable" and I suspect that he is hiding a kind of subliminal hypnosis in his music a la Paul McKenna. Someone who stumbles across his albums can suddenly fall victim to his mind control; it would seem my friends are highly susceptible to this musical madman and I must save them.

You see, Kanye has such an inflated ego that it seems likely he's picked up most of his fans through trickery, misdirection and facade. And when that doesn't work he throws tantrums; great heaving, stomach-churning, cringe-impaling hissy fits. West is a bigger cunt than any of us, including you.

If you go to The Guardian website and do a bit of clicking with the search field "Kanye West" you'll come across a timeline detailing the number of times he has behaved like a sulking, skulking, spoilt brat of a demon child hell bent on getting the recognition no-one but he believes he deserves. Sadly, they labelled the timeline 'controversial moments'. But we all know the truth.

I suspect we've all read about this VMA incident. For those of you who haven't, I'll give you a brief and opinionated reconstruction.

Beyonce "shockingly" lost out to "country singer" Taylor Swift in the Best Female Video category. Beyonce was modest and didn't complain (probably because she also knows that the VMA's are a pointless excuse for an award ceremony considering music is AUDIO not VISUAL). Taylor bounded onto the stage like the innocent young idiot she is and began her boring acceptance speech. Suddenly Kanye (sporting his ridiculous alien-pattered hairdo) leapt onto the stage, snatched the microphone off Swift and moaned, bitched, complimented and "dissed" all at the same time.

He said this monumentally stupid thing:

"Taylor, I'm really happy for you, and I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!"

That's fantastically moronic, isn't it? You couldn't be more of a hypocrite if you tried. "I am sorry I killed you Gran, she is a lovely lady. But, she was a bitch and I enjoyed murdering her!".

If the timeline is anything to go by, it seems the only person capable of outdoing Kanye West in the cunt stakes is Kanye West.

Last year, he took a strange detour from his beloved rapping and began singing with the assistance of an auto-tune device. I haven't even bothered listening to his latest album as he is a) Kanye West and b) describing it as "experimental". Any artist that describes their latest album as "experimental" has clearly lost their mind. (Less said about Blur's "Thinktank", the better).

West subsequently became a big auto-tune buff and now can't open his mouth without first ensuring the resulting noise will sound like Stephen Hawking imitating Tupac. OK. Fine. He likes auto-tune. Not my thing, but hey.

But wait, this year the talented Jay-Z came out with the song 'DOA (Death of Auto-tune)', which saw Jay-Z rabbiting on about the genre of rap and how it needs to remain pure, blah blah blah. It quickly came to my attention that Kanye produced the song. Either he is really stupid or he is a massive hypocrite.

Oh no, he's both.

By the by, if you are not a fan of Kanye West either, I suggest you root (torrent) around for the brilliant South Park episode (Season 13 Episode 5) entitled "Fishsticks". Kanye is a hard character to satirise being as he is already a grotesque parody of himself but the episode benefits from being hilarious, accurate and most importantly of all, it genuinely hurt Kanye's feelings.

Afterwards, you really should burn any copies of his CDs you can find, even if they don't belong to you.

The best thing to emerge from this whole debacle is that I no longer feel so alone in my loathing of this embarrassing genetic flaw of a human; even Obama called him a "jackass". And that's real music to my ears.