Mariah Carey - 'Obsessed'

Seemingly born backwards through an alternate universe where crackling replaces singing, Mariah Carey bursts horribly back into our ears with a brand new song. It's called 'Obsessed' and it hears Mariah Carey hoarsely howling a few lines of incoherence to a regular-sounding pop tune.

As well as being thoroughly disgusted by what I was hearing, I couldn't quite tell what she was saying. I had to look up the lyrics to get the vague idea of what she was blithering on about (even then the lyric page included 'inaudible growling').

She's clearly gone absolutely insane, crackers, I'd say. One of the lines includes, "Why are you so obsessed with me? Lying that you're sexing me!". Accompanied by a music video where she dresses as an Italian hypnotist impersonating Kevin Federline. Has she escaped from somewhere? If anywhere is missing a Mariah Carey, could you please get in touch?

I've always had a hard spot for Mariah Carey. I'm not talking about erections, I'm opposing 'soft spot'.

Originally, when I first heard her, I deduced that she was merely a come-and-go singer who'd fizzle away, develop a crack habit and drown in her bath. But, she had to stick around, didn't she? Just for me.

Through every year of pop, she has been lurking, ready to strike me with one of her croaky note-rapes. Not to explain her face, her barely lively face. It's a mannequin that has been partially melted into the make-up section of a clothing shop. I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't her actually singing, but a screaming face on the back of her head trying to escape.

Being angry and intrigued at the same time, I did a bit of a background nose at her new single. Apparently, maybe, possibly, allegedly, it's targeting American wigger Eminem. He'd addressed the cold hard fact that he'd had some passionate relations with Carey. He's back himself into a bit of a corner by doing that, it's a bit like bragging that you caught AIDS from violently pounding a monkey. You aren't gaining anything from it (other than AIDS in the metaphor's case). After bragging on one of his songs, she retaliated, well, I say retaliated, she weakly barked things.

Carey has also backed herself into a corner. There is a thick line between singer and rapper. A singer is there to sing. A rapper's training involves them honing an ability to make swift and effective put-downs, one after the other, for a number of minutes. Eminem, being bought up in the Detroit rap scene, is one of the best at this. This means that Carey's line "Why are you so obsessed with me? Lying that you're sexing me." has been met with countless insults and throwbacks in Eminem's Re-track, The Warning.

So, unless Mariah Carey puts herself through an 8 Mile type experience and spends a decade and a bit polishing her rapping, then there's not going to be a good comeback from her.

They are squabbling millionaires; troubled platinum selling artists. Aw, poor them. They have to spend their days pelting each other with wads of cash. Bleh.

I would, however, like to congratulate Mariah Carey for officially gaining a permanent spot on my 'shitlist'.