Twilight (Book)

Fucking Morrissey.

That Northern bastard has got a LOT to answer for. Who’d have thought that 27 years ago when he first started poncing around in front of a microphone, his vicious, black, tar-like evil would have seeped so far into good, decent society that even a sweet and innocent Mormon girl would be infected by it’s depravity?

Yes, a little Mormon girl; let’s call her Stephanie shall we? Instead of being one of several wives, living a devout life and refusing blood transfusions and sitting out in the corridors during biology lessons (wait, is that Mormons, or the Jehovahs? Jehovahs are the Watchtower guys, right? Mormons are the smiley American guys with the ties and name badges...yeah) and growing her hair out whilst patiently waiting to become a wife and mother to identical looking long haired daughters, ‘Stephanie’ accidentally listened in on some Morrissey and it changed her life irreversibly.

She found herself wandering the streets, sitting in an empty graveyard writing terrible poetry before going to a bookshop and sitting cross-legged on the floor, right in the way of the books you want to look at. Then seeming annoyed and sighing a lot when you asked her to move.

Yes, she was Emo before Emo had a real name (many thanks go to modern science for finally acknowledging this condition and giving it a suitably apt title). It was here where she found Anne Rice and Poppy Z. Bright.

The convergence of these two malign forces joined together inside this poor girl until they finally spewed forth a torrent of words (like in Witches of Eastwick and the cherry stone scene only with words being written down instead of vomiting cherry stones). Thus began the Twilight series.

Oh wait, I stand corrected, The Twilight SAGA. Jesus, did you know that in the original Scandinavian countries where sagas originate from, one of the meanings of saga was ‘tales of worthy men’?
Tales. Of. Worthy. Men. Not ‘Tales of Fey vampires’. I suppose the Twilight series IS a saga in the sense that it does go on and on and on or that it is also a holiday for the elderly.

So yeah, Morrissey is cumulatively responsible for the social acceptance of dirty old men stalking 17 year old girls, before tempting them to drop out of school and have their lives threatened by so-called friends and then their ex-girlfriends. I don’t care if Edward is always going to be an eternal 17 year old, if you do the maths he is 107. Yep, he is 107 and Bella is 17. No excuses, that’s just wrong. It’s worse than Baby and Johnny in Dirty Dancing.

Oh...hey wait, maybe I’m thinking of Robert Smith and The Cure? Damn, I like some of The Cure’s stuff. Bugger….

Never mind. Morrissey is still shit and evil. Twilight is still fey and annoying. Leching on girls 90 years younger than you is sick - doesn’t he know the rule? When you reach 22 and above, you halve your age and then add five. Anything younger than that is inappropriate, anything older is fair game. So he should really be going for the likes of Laverne from Scrubs or Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Hey, that means I can hit up Hayden Panettiere, Hermione from Harry Potter and the kid who played McLovin.

Sweet.