All Star Family Fortunes

As a child, not only was I a moron, but I loved Family Fortunes. It was quite a fun family guessing game where Les Dennis would be his usual self (amusing failure). I would tune into it a lot, for reasons I am unsure of to this day. But it seemed nice. It was a more innocent time back then, game-shows featured homely faces and comical morons for guests. Obviously it was awful, but a pleasant kind of awful.

Return yourself to now, or perhaps two years back, and ITV decided to bring back Family Fortunes with a celebrity twist. You'd expect Les Dennis - being alive - to reprise his role as presenter. Oh no. ITV don't work like that anymore. They have changed from the loving family network into the torture network. It's television designed to make you embittered. I blame my grumpy ways on ITV. Too much exposure to All Star Mr. & Mrs.; This Morning etc. It's turned me against happiness forever. No more good moods now that ITV has been drilled into my brain. It's like religion.

Anyway, in keeping with ITV's new regime of destroying the nations positivity for eternity, they commissioned All Star Family Fortunes. Sounds fine at first. 'Huh, let's see how this does', I thought. Then I saw it's presenter.....Vernon. Kay. Those of you who know me or have read any of my other scrawlings of hate on this site will know my feelings on Vernon Kay. He represents idiocy. If idiocy was a product, he'd be on the packet. Words can't be a person, but I reckon 'moron' is one exception, it's him.

As soon as I witnessed those opening titles in which Kay jumps around a pretend background and does a few bum-lickey jigs for our apparent 'amusement' (or torture if we're still going by my theory on ITV), I knew we were in for a fucking treat. Seriously, ITV, have you made this show to particularly get on MY tits? I'm not that much of an ego-maniac, but this show seems too specifically tailored to my hates to be for entertainment.

For example, fast-forward to this year, and the nation prepares itself for a horrifying second, third or fourth run of All Star Family Fortunes, and the TV trail sees Vernon Kay's smiling yuppie chops filling the screen. Immediately I have registered an approaching event of IQ shrinking proportions. THEN, to REALLY kick me in the sack, the doorway that reveals upcoming guests and Kay himself blurts out Vanessa Feltz. Vanessa Feltz. VANESSA FELTZ?! What have I done to you, ITV? We used to laugh together. It was nice. And now....this.

The show works like this: Horrific opening titles, Vernon Kay bumbles onto the stage and cracks a few 'jokes' (another product placement for Idiocy), he asks the obviously intellectual audience if they want to meet the CELEBRITY guests (usually an Emmerdale star, ex-Bill extra or one of the nation's favourite annoyances), we then see a VT of the family trying to secretively describe the 'mystery' guest (unless you read the family surname banner at the beginning, saw it in the TV listings or watched the advert before-hand), the family - fronted by the frantically waving star - come out for some searingly awful banter with Kay. Then, the show kicks off with the rounds. There seems to be a running theme of seeing the celebrities as children doing something heavily embarrassing. As if they weren't already irritating twats, they show them AS CHILDREN. Everyone has a laugh, the show ends, I attempt suicide.

Sounds quite harmlessly shite when I give a brief outline here (that's only because I'm trying not to have a hemorrhage of rage) but as soon as you watch it, you see how sinister the details are.

In summary, Les Dennis is probably dead, innocence definitely is, I hate Vernon Kay. And, 'Bleh' to ITV.