Dating In The Dark

Finding love in this world is no easy thing, I don't care what the gentle, soothing voice-overs from eHarmony say.

You think you've found the person you love, you go through harsh times and great times and you spend so long thinking that this person is the person for you until one of your work colleagues tells you that they were arranging a foursome with another couple only the other couple turned out to be a 18yr old redhead and your boyfriend of seven years.

So what do you do? Where do you turn? How about a dating show in which couples meet in a pitch black room so they can forego the pretence of physical attraction and really get to know each other? For that is the whole premise of Dating in the Dark.

Of course, the whole thing is completely pointless because after the frank and honest getting to know you conversations, it all takes a bald cunt's flying fuck out the window as the lights go on and the automatic reactions are "eugh, she's a chubster" and "vom - he's a ginger". It's like a one night stand but without the Chlamydia.

From a practical (does it do what it sets out to do?) side, it's a go nowhere show, from an entertainment side it's proper midweek car crash TV. So forget about your broken hearts and finding love - FUCKING MAKE US LAUGH AT YOU, PUPPETS.

Don't worry about the hopefuls; they aren't really there to find love. Does anyone truly go on a televisual dating show to actually find love? Nah, it's all about the doinkage, ladies and pervs. It's all about the sticking it in/getting it stuck in and mugging to your mates on camera.

So what are the alternatives? Well, if you wanted to make honest television (by 'honest' I mean a show like Flog It in which there is no illusion about 'insuring' a beloved artefact like on Antiques Road show, they're bringing in stuff to make some money and that's it - that's hones) there should be a show called 'WLTF: Would Like To Fuck' (by the way, BBCThree and E4, I'm copyrighting that so if you want to do it, I get a cut, yeah?) In which hopeful twentysomethings get paired up, lashed up and fuck like 14 yr old council estate bunnies.

This is the set-up, the two singles are selected based on their compatibility - how desperate they are and what each other are willing to do. There is a brief interview during the initial drinking/eating stage, then the camera pans away as they go into their hotel room with some condoms, a bottle of Aftershock and some KFC wet wipes. It's not that superficial, as during this period there can be elements of a make-over show in which we see the preparations for this night of passion; Martin from Manchester gets his ball sack waxed and Laura from Lincoln gets an anal bleaching and we hear about their hopes and dreams "I hope he hasn't got a funny-shaped cock".

The budget wouldn't need to be that high either as the whole thing could take place in a Travel Inn. Then (as they are not allowed to bring clean clothes or use the shower) in the morning there's the obligatory walk of shame followed by post-match interviews. The theme music could be 'Don't Stop (Wiggle Wiggle) by the Outhere Brothers and it could be hosted by some Big Brother contestant. I would have immediately suggested Davina, but she's too busy recording Davina's Rohypnol Challenge.

It's either that or you can place an add on Gumtree Personals.