Total Wipeout USA

In this country, we're easily pleased. I mean, for one, we have managed to craft a prime-time hit out of Vanessa Feltz wearing a skin-hugging Lycra suit, being pushed into a pool by a wall. Hole in the Wall (now hosted by television's grinning abyss Anton Du Beke) is a simple show. Basically, no-list celebrities must bend into funny positions to get through a person-shaped hole in a wall; if they don't, then they fall into a swimming pool, the audience laugh and it starts again. That's it. Now in its second or maybe third series, it is watched by a few million people every week.

(Dear BBC, could you change the pool liquid from water to lava and have the holes impossibly small, please? Yours, Alex)

There is also Total Wipeout. Over here it is hosted by the king of car-crash television Richard Hammond. The premise is one that you'd think would suit me; members of the public being punched repeatedly and hurt, then encouraging the viewers to chuckle at the injured participant. Yes, at first it's amusing, but then it carries on and on and on and the viewers laugh and laugh and laugh and the despair builds and builds and builds. Since this format is basic and can easily entertain the masses, it has been transported to several other countries. For example, digital channel Watch is showing episodes from the American version, Total Wipeout USA.

There are a few differences; some good, some very bad. This version isn't hosted by Hammond, of course, the Americans are far too good for him. Instead they get two generic faces, presenters version 2.0, if you will. They're both called John. They look like humans trapped inside mannequins desperately trying to come to life. They sound exactly the same but look slightly different. However, on the commentary, it's hard to tell who's who. They have the same voice and both refer to each other as John. The simpletons also like to draw all over the screen, calling their doodles 'telestrations'. These include drawing pom-poms on a woman who claims she's a cheerleader, maybe drawing a lion just for fun. Of course if it was me, I would draw swear words all over people's foreheads and sexual organs going into things and circling things that are racist/phallic/ funny. Basically what I do when I get a copy of Hello magazine. I'm immature and I'm not going to change, OK?

As well as the hosts, there is a co-presenter. We have one too. The co-presenter's job is to condescendingly interview the contestant, take the piss and chortle away as they repeatedly hurt themselves. Here's what is confusing; our co-presenter and theirs look almost precisely the same but are different people. I find the American woman attractive but not the British one, yet they look near enough identical. I think my brain might be malfunctioning.

Anyway, that aside, the show has the same structure as ours. But being America (generally bigger-budgeted), the show is larger, louder and wilder. For example, the second round sees the surviving contestants standing on podiums and attempting to leap over a swinging beam. Being so bloody sensationalist, the Americans ramp things up by adding an extra obstacle in each week. One week they must leap in between two beams, another week they'd have to play dodgeball at the same time, the next week they'd have to fish the antidote out of a dog's anus with a coat hanger (made the last one up although it would be good - I've been watching Saw evidently). Then there is the DREADMILL, which could be much more dreadful with a little imagination. To be fair, it is funny watching them step on it at full speed and immediately smashing their face on the tread. Occasionally they bring in a giant wrecking ball that, for some reason, they give a voice. It says "humourous" things and is clearly one of the creepy John twins putting on their deepest voice.

But, the possibilities for real dread are limitless. A few suggestions: Do it bare foot, nettles and dirty syringes littering the mat; facing a grinning firing squad perched at the opposite end of the dreadmill; inject them with a paralysing drug just before they step on; telling them the presenters have chopped up participant's family and begin throwing body parts at said participant (not really dead family, just mind games...maybe); set-up a game of chase against Usain Bolt who has been brainwashed to rape. Etc.

Come the final round, it's like a budget ejaculation. It's the same layout we have, but much larger. There's fire effects everywhere, loads of running water. It's basically what you'd get if a child became a millionaire. Again, it's made Britain look like a shithole.

I have some suggestions for making our version better. Let's have Nick Griffin as a recurring contestant. AND instead of boxing gloves poking out of the wall, we can have knives. Alright it's a bit illegal but the public would love it. There's nothing wrong with bending the laws for entertainment, is there? Well, not in my demented eyes.