The X-Factor (Final Part)

A lot of people (no people) ask me, "Alex, what do you think of John and Edward?" (or Jedward, if they're feeling like annoying me some more). My response is something I like to call an "indifferent groan of protest", which is essentially "meh" held out for a long time until they go away. You see, since part two of my X Factor Scunting, my opinion of the show has changed into something quite ugly. Put bluntly, I hate it with every part of my crippled soul.

Before, I'd watch it every Saturday (and Sunday now, for fucks sake) with a sneering dislike, often pointing out things like "oh, doesn't Cheryl Cole's outfit make her look like a motorbike from the future". Since those times, I've become angered by every facet of the show. Every weekend, the show airs, people watch it in their millions. Words are said, decisions are made, songs are murdered. Really, that should be it. It never is. From a few hours of shit TV, the fans drag out a week of annoyance. I thought it was quite irritating last year, but it's morphed into a bigger complaint magnet than it was.

By now, you've probably figured out that I'm reviewing from a non-viewing viewpoint. You're right, well done. Last time I saw it was this past weekend for about three seconds. I saw Mariah Carey, muttered "fucking cunt of a shitting bitch" and switched over. Now I realise how hard it is to stay away from The X Factor. Loyal X Factor haters, I admire that you haven't killed yourself outside the ITV building yet. (If you have, steady on).

Trying to avoid it entirely is like trying to avoid ill people in a hospital. You turn one way, there's news about it, you turn another way and there's a great big fuck-off advert for the show. I wonder if there is anyone in Britain who doesn't know of John and Edward (or Jedward. Ergh). If you don't (maybe from overseas) then they're two Irish boys who have divided the nation in three with a metaphorical bread knife. They're both 17, have hair that makes them look like onions, they're controversial but overall shit.

The media and idiots are fascinated by them. Some love them to bits, others think they're disgusting creatures, and the rest hate The X Factor and want most of the nation dead. Simon Cowell - oddly, the voice of reason in this case - hates the cheesy, untalented shit out of them. The viewers find this hilarious (twats) and keep "Jedward" in each week. (Until this past weekend when they were finally booted off). So, there's what that's all about and it's rubbish, innit?

Since everyone else is complaining. I have two complaints about The X Factor. First one is concerning one of the other non-sentient singers, who I briefly saw trying to wade through 'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey. It being one of the greatest songs of all time, being sung by an amateur popstar-wannabe made me have a few minutes of plotting my destruction of humanity. So, don't do stuff like that. And the second concerns it's existence: Fuck off, X Factor, please. You're doing more harm than good.

In other news, the sensationalist people at Channel 4 have made Cast-offs. Several people with disabilities are put into an I'm A Celeb/Big Brother type scenario on a remote island. Yeah, sounds ridiculously brilliant on paper. But I was very disappointed. Bit too.....serious. I like hilarity when it comes to disability, thanks.

E4 have also made Misfits. Which - to be an annoying, combinator cock - is like Skins meets Heroes or something. At first, I was cynical (as always) but it became very good. Yes, I do like things and this is one of them. I'd recommend it. You don't have to take that recommendation, but if you don't, I'll hate you.

So, watch Misfits. Fuck The X Factor. Bye.