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2 Feb 2010 - 6:03pm

Ant and Dec in "Confusing" Double Assassination

Ant and Dec in "Confusing" Double Assassination

TV Funnymen Ant McLoughlin and Dec McLoughlin have killed one another in an extraordinary double assassination which took place live on national television last night.

The 'chilled out' entertainers committed the act whilst presenting ITV's Children Do The Most Reprehensible Things.

The...

X Factor: Worse Than Death?

X Factor: Worse Than Death?

19 million people watched the X Factor grand finale last night and saw a human person out-sing another human person.

Or in other words, 19 million people have completely given up on both love and life, and now wait for the warm embrace of death in the most soiled, unclean and obscene way possible.

...

Cheating? Tiger Would

Cheating? Tiger Would

Tiger Woods has begun his inevitable descent from patriarch to pariah by eagerly mounting the deviant zip-wire of infidelity.

The full-time golf-club operator has made a mockery of the institution of marriage, indulging in a string of dubious affairs with the sorts of women who appear wearing soulless smiles...

Compound Boredom: @StephenFry vs. @BrumPlum

Compound Boredom: @StephenFry vs. @BrumPlum

Stephen Fry has threatened, and then unthreatened, to leave social networking site Twitter after he was accused of being boring by another user.

@BrumPlum is that user. Having negatively evaluated the much-loved Fry; a man who suffers from sporadic lapses of confidence and self-worth, Plum is now seeking to...

Michael Jackson Movie: A Corpse On Strings

Michael Jackson Movie: A Corpse On Strings

The first in an inevitable series of Michael Jackson themed films will be released tomorrow.

In order to adequately frame that information, try to picture the decaying corpse of mediocre pop attached to flimsy wires and horizontal control-bars being made to sing falsetto platitudes by industry puppeteers....

Emin's Latest Installation: Threatening To Quit UK Over Tax

Emin's Latest Installation: Threatening To Quit UK Over Tax

Tracey Emin has explained how she feels about things.

In an interview with the Murdoch Times she said that she was "very seriously considering leaving Britain," because she was "simply not willing to pay tax at 50%."

Emin claims that she requires shielding from the radioactive fallout of Brown's dirty...

James May Does Something Mischievous

James May Does Something Mischievous

James May, the acceptable face of racism, has done something mischievous again. He has crashed a blimp into a tree.

At this juncture, we would like to point out that we came across this news the hard way.

Because Scunt hijacks all of its news content directly from the Daily Star; finding, as we do,...

Polanski Likes Children More Than Jail

Polanski Likes Children More Than Jail

Polanski is a Polish-French film director with a penchant for young girls. Polanski had dirty sex with a young girl many years ago and will now go to jail. Polanski hates jail.

Those short sentences have been stretched into hundreds of square column metres over the past days and two factions are emerging....

Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell Fight To The Death

Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell Fight To The Death

Half-man and half-wizard Charlie Brooker has picked a fight with the voice of inconvenient reason David Mitchell.

The altercation arose when Charlie Brooker accused David Mitchell of indulging in an arcane monologue.

A long, tediously verbose argument began, during which The Brooker challenged The...

Channel 4 Create New Paedophile Reality Show To Replace Big Brother

Channel 4 Create New Paedophile Reality Show To Replace Big Brother

Channel 4 has announced that, in a last-ditch bid to improve its reputation after 10 years of Big Brother, the station will focus on producing "taboo-shattering documentaries". An insider has confirmed that paedophilia will be the first subject to go under the voyeur's knife.

'Paedotrial', as the series is...

More Untertainment

Australian Red Mist Caused By Christian Bale
Australian Red Mist Caused By Christian Bale
A red mist has decended on Sydney and the Australian coastline, which many believe to be caused by red dust blowing in from the Outback. However, scientists have recently discovered this is not the...
Stephen Fry Uses Twitter To Brag About Online Wealth
Stephen Fry Uses Twitter To Brag About Online Wealth
Acclaimed Polymath and deft Bagpuss impersonator Stephen Fry has been furiously bragging about his vast daily web income on social networking site Twitter. Only minutes ago Stephen sent out a message...
Original Members of Sugababes To Reform As New Band
Original Members of Sugababes To Reform As New Band
Pop group Sugababes has achieved a miraculous feat; they have managed to oust all three founding band members and still somehow stagger on under the trio's original name. This sort-of news has,...
Ghost of Michael Jackson Haunts Hampstead Heath
Ghost of Michael Jackson Haunts Hampstead Heath
The Ping of Kop may be dead but he will continue to live in the hearts of his countless billions of fans across this world and beyond. However in the heart of one certain celebrity, who must remain...
Tabloid Paparazzo Blinds Self With Camera
Tabloid Paparazzo Blinds Self With Camera
A member of the tabloid's baying hounds of paparazzi was momentarily blinded today when he accidentally flashed himself in the face with a camera while attending a local theme park. According to...
"Celebrities Dying Alphabetically" Claims Expert
"Celebrities Dying Alphabetically" Claims Expert
Famous stars are dying in alphabetical order and we should start to ask some questions, according to leading expert Daniel Basterd. “When Farah Fawcett popped her clogs followed closely by Michael...
Courtney Love Still Telling Kurt What To Do
Courtney Love Still Telling Kurt What To Do
Even though he has been dead for 15 years, rock star Kurt Cobain is still taking instruction from his former drug-mule Courtney Love. Love ordered Kurt to return from the grave to make a cameo...
Gary Glitter Moonlighting As Babysitter
Gary Glitter Moonlighting As Babysitter
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for the former glam rocker and convicted international pervert, shocking new revelations are set to stun the few remaining fans of the molesterous...
David Dickinson Leads Movement To Recognise New Race Of 'Permatans'
David Dickinson Leads Movement To Recognise New Race Of 'Permatans'
The showbiz world was left in mild surprise today when popular, day glow TV presenter David Dickinson declared himself unofficial spokesman for a new race of people. The race, calling themselves '...
First Farrah, Now Floyd
First Farrah, Now Floyd
Celebrities just will not learn, will they? As we’d all agree, Death is a very useful although largely fatal way of boosting your celebrity, your fame and your earnings. If you’ve just died, then the...

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