Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell Fight To The Death

Half-man and half-wizard Charlie Brooker has picked a fight with the voice of inconvenient reason David Mitchell.

The altercation arose when Charlie Brooker accused David Mitchell of indulging in an arcane monologue.

A long, tediously verbose argument began, during which The Brooker challenged The Mitchell to some sort of theatrical post-apocalyptic death-brawl.

Both competitors will now be obliged to attend a large outdoor arena, where hoards of intimidating paint-daubed men will root for their eventual gaudy leather-clad deaths and ritualistic maimings to a soundtrack of elongated sitar note-bending and beatings on some sort of large percussive instrument.

The battle of the Titans scaled down an order of magnitude into the battle of the angry weekly Guardian columnists.

Charlie Brooker, who is also Bowser, will obviously enter the bout as the over-dog because of his much-commended causticm. Should the two competitors reconcile before any man-blood can be shed; an alternative celebrity must be sacrificed to the God of attrition in order to wipe away the sins of humankind.

Suggestions please on a Jeremy Kyle shaped postcard.