Submitted by Dani Nicci on 26 August 2009 - 3:47pm
Big Brother is to be axed by Channel 4 after its 11th series next year.
This is great news for most of the viewing population as reports reveal that, after accidentally pushing the wrong buttons on their remote and suddenly finding themselves staring through the televisual looking glass into a room inhabited by the many forms of Beelzebub, many individuals came dangerously close to committing suicide.
Bad news however, for all the interrobang magazines that rely on Big Brother contestants, presenters, gossip, pictures, rejects and scandals to fill their grotesque, mind-vapourising pages the whole year around.
How heat magazine will fill space usually reserved for grainy pictures of BB cunts and opinion columns written by incarnations of Nathan Barley is unclear.
What idiots will do now that they can no longer aspire to become famous by squeezing their diseased egos onto our screens and gyrating their flabby genitals in our horror-stricken faces is uncertain.
Never again will we hear that northern bloke unnecessarily narrating the BB plot to an audience of illiterate cretins with attention spans and IQs to rival rocks.
No more will we have to sigh wearily and fetch a towel when another used-tissue human from the public toilet of television attempts to smear their unholy goo all over our pristine mindstates.
The world as we know it is ending.
Big Brother is almost gone; just make sure you don't tune into the final series next year out of morbid curiosity. If the ratings jump, Channel 4 may rethink BBs exit.
To ensure this doesn't happen, Scunt is inviting all remaining BB viewers and wannabe contestants to a special, one-off farewell festival at Cotswold Stone Quarry.
The cull will be easier if they're all gathered in one place.
thank christ. i was afraid it would never end. something which started out parodying orwell and ended up being totemic of it.
YES thank fuck for that, utter drivel for utter morons. Can you bring shotguns to the festival? These scum are responsible for rendering my tv utterly pointless, Farnsworth must be turning in his grave.
The idiots who stayed in to watch Big Brother will now go outside in the summer for the first time in 11 years. It is likely they will need some very strong sun lotion as they will burn like ginger scots.
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